Bite … said the apple with no core Slam … said the door with only one hinge Smile … said the crease of a broken lip Turn … said the axle as it turned away Hide … said the moth with a bent butterfly friend Toss … said the radish to the bent cucumber Think … said the sign with only a road to call a friend Squeeze… said the grape as he withered on the vine Mine … said the goose whose gander was totally fucked And smile… says the walrus, the squirrel and the spineless porcupine clinging to the brake as is if it were a crutch. Clutch. Clutched crutch. Crutchless crutch.
The sycophantic umlaut sits upon its prey whilst the hapless comma comes out to play. Perpetually searching to find its home, the misunderstood apostrophe attaches briefly to the distracted noun just long enough to hold its ground. With an incandescent rage the exclamation mark stamps its feet whilst others bracket themselves against the expletives. In its attempt to repair any ill feeling, the hyphen acts as the conduit whilst the colon creates the drumroll as it gains our attention for words with greater meaning. Then, to a cacophony of quotation marks, or speech marks to some, the sentence terminates as quickly as it had begun. Full stop. Next paragraph…
“Stay safe” they said, “Socially distance yourself” and you’ll be ok. So we isolated and percolated and postulated too. Remonstrated and agitated, flabbergasted and decongregated, instigated by those that knew.
Remonstrating and demonstrating whilst provokating in the queue, distancing whilst reminiscing of those times we once knew.
From Asda to Sainsbos, Aldi and Tescos to name just a few, we stood in line or faced a fine for simply saying, hello, how do you do.
And so it was to the Common Room we turned, to reacquaint with those whose friendships we’d once earned. We sang to playlists of our hero’s from the past, and listened to new stuff, played live from Pete’s gaffe.
We watched memes of things we’d seen, and played quizzes but without the bells or buzzes. And on Thursdays we took to our doors and beat the shit out of our pots and pans, all for the cause.
And soon that curve that had the nerve to keep the nation locked down in frustration, will wind it’s way to the floor. And as we leave the Common Room behind us, last one out, please close the door.
Ok. I admit it. I was bored. Well, to be more exact, I panicked. I was in fear of becoming isolated AND bored…
So I came up with the challenge of not buying a single thing to eat or drink until my cupboards were empty.
Such stupid ideas are too easily hatched when one’s fridge is bursting at the seams. So much so that closing a packed suitcase for a month’s island hopping around the Balearics with a beauty out of Love Island would be easier than shutting the fridge door.
And so, with two above-counter cupboards stacked with a variety of hangover necessities such as the Fray Bentos pies and culinary delights for those romantic soirées that never seem to happen, it was ‘game on Nobby’.
I decided to start with the aforementioned bulging fridge. As things tumbled out in front of me, I raised the stakes. I decided to eat whatever fell out first. Luckily, this turned out to be a bag of fresh tagliatelle (not as good as dad’s, but hey) … a 500g packet of lush spinach leaves and a small tub of crem fresh.
Devine intervention!
With a tiny nudge similar to those I used to give to the penny slot machines at the fairground, I skilfully coerced the twin pack of chicken breasts out of the door.
Thirty minutes later, like some sort of alienated Alaskan tracker from another TV programmes (no offence to Alaskan trackers), I sat with my tray on my lap and devoured the most delicious pollo florentine on a bed of butter tossed, Parmesan-infused fresh tagliatelle washed down with rather too much Pinot Grigio.
With a full stomach and a little tipsy, day one ended with me feeling triumphant, to say the least.
As you can imagine, day two, three, four … and so on, were not too dissimilar. As the wine ran dry, I turned with equal gusto to my modest stock of Strongbow cider closely followed by a four pack of Stellas left over from a recent lad’s night in (note to self, don’t invite Kev again) and then the folly of my ways hit me hard.
Not only had I run out of essential booze … but all milk, eggs, bread, meat and fresh vegetables had been sliced, diced and diced again and by day 12 I was beginning to reach for the cupboard with alarming regularity.
First, it was the Fray Bentos pie. I had managed to keep this concealed from all my unsuspecting visitors for a considerable amount of time, and fearing the risk of any imminent surprises, I decided to start with this first.
The ultimate Fray Bentos gourmet meal
OMG! With a little drizzle of the finest bisto gravy, a buttered jacket potato, over-aggressively peeled sprouts and succulent sweetcorn, this was indeed as good a Fray Bentos gourmet meal as any I have secretly devoured in a lifetime punctuated with ever-increasing occurring and totally unfair hangovers that can only be satisfied with platefuls of calorific stodge.
As the lockdown was extended, and the risk of impending over-curious visitors evaporated, I was left to repent my foolish ways. If only I had eaten half the pie or made the lasagne with four layers instead of five, or chopped the bacon smaller in the minestrone or limited the amount of coconut butter in the endless cuppa soups or drizzled the olive oil a la Jamie Oliver instead of ‘pouring it’ in the salad or ….
my head became mashed with a sense of foreboding as I increasingly realised I was no suburban equal to Bear Grylls and, in isolation, had no one to turn to.
My every moment became obsessed with regret and self-doubt as I lamented the innocent bruised aubergine I threw in the bin back in 2016 or the years of peeling too much off those fat Christmas sprouts. Such utter decadence.
Breakfast consisted of those packets of porridge eats I’d seen my trim colleagues devour in the office kitchen, though mine were now made with boiled water instead of milk. Garnished, however, with big, fat, juicy sultanas.
Lunches became an endless stream of packet soups, embellished with coconut butter and the very occasional garden pea scraped from the bottom of the bereft freezer.
Porridge with boiled water and sultanas
My mind played tricks on me as I made pledge after pledge… never again would I bin the tip of a carrot, the core from the cabbage, the stalk from the broccoli or the … you get the picture.
Boiled lentils, mushy peas and tinned potatoes
And then, as if by Devine Intervention from him Above (note what I did there), the back of the cupboard finally emerged. With an ever increasing blurred vision and rumbling stomach, I saw it. Proudly standing to attention behind the remaining tins of flatulent invoking beans, my last tin of boiled, rejected-at-birth potatoes (yes, anything remaining had developed its own personality) the cheekiest tin of the sweetest mushy peas … the end was in sight.
The journey’s end, back of my cupboard
The journey to the back of my cupboard was teaching me many things … not least, the importance of fresh food versus processed. For over ten days, I have been peeing piss that would look more appropriate in the slush machine at a kids party. Incandescent green, but not slimy I hasten to add. Or at least, I don’t think so.
And number two’s that at times I thought might require a chisel to get beyond the creaking u-bend.
But more than the physiological lessons (we are, indeed, ‘what we eat’), it taught me that limiting our choices in life is both challenging and rewarding… probably more rewarding than challenging in my gluttonous case. I don’t mind admitting it, I have neglected my body and mind to a point of recklessness and this journey to the back of my cupboards has highlighted this beyond question.
Will it change me? Will I take these lessons into my twilight, post-coronavirus pensionable years?
Will any of us go back to who we were before COVID-19 entered our lives? There are many poor souls who will never make that journey themselves, and to them, our thoughts and prayers must go.
I don’t ‘do’ politics. I think the current British political system is flawed and no longer ‘fit for purpose’. I did not vote in the infamous Referendum and I struggled to vote in the latest General Election … why?
I did not feel I was qualified to vote. I had no idea what the implications of leaving the EU would be, though I guessed that remaining in the EU would be a relatively safe bet.
Waiting for the Brexit party that never happened
I nearly did not vote in the latest General Election because I thought it signifies all that is wrong with politics … a game played by too many self-seeking individuals at the cost of our ignorance and devotion to that human right we cherish so resolutely, that is democracy.
And now… we’re out.
If a blog is to have any meaning, I feel it should be true to the moment in which it is created. Minimal edits and audits and postulations. Fire from the hip and see what you end up regretting in time to come. Or not, as the case may be.
How do I feel now that Brexit has happened?
Cocooned in my own little world, I feel an equal mix of excitement and anticipation. If that were a medical condition, I’d be prescribed something for it … but I don’t what. Maybe it would include a dose of Boris to help with the lows but definitely no Corbyn, that’s a medicine too far.
And so the dawn of a new era begins. Onwards and upwards … whatever that means!
PS. The first message I received on my phone this morning: Congrats on Brexit … it must feel good …
I am a chartered marketer (MSc), published author and marketing professional. Founder of SF Media Partners and Partner Event Promotions, I have an extensive network of decision-makers from across the hi-tech sector and beyond.
I like people! I am passionate, articulate and persuasive – a natural connector, strategic thinker and straight talker! If you were to ask my colleagues or associates for an opinion, I’d like to think they would say that I’m reliable, fun to work with and highly effective.
My recent role at multi-award winning Salesforce SI as Brand Director coincided with a period of intense growth… 46% in 20 months and winners of several awards including the Salesforce Global Innovation Award.
I have lectured in Hong Kong, Sweden, Belarus and the UK. I have also been successful in nominating Honorary Doctorates including Richard Reed (Innocent Smoothies) and Bernard Ainsworth MBE (Project Director at The Shard and O2 Arena). As a business and academic speaker, I have enjoyed delivering to wide and varied audiences around best practice in business with a focus on strategic marketing for sustainable, competitive advantage.
I take a portfolio approach to my career and am happy to create opportunities to Alliance members.
Don’t you just hate New Year Resolutions? I do. But that’s mainly because I set the bar too high and subsequently fail before I even get started!
However … I was recently introduced to the notion of setting monthly resolutions. This way, it’s only a temporary target but could (and should!) lead to positive, long term change.
Here’s my 12 month plan for effective PR …
January
Use January as the month when you think about your objectives … where do you want to be in 12 months … and set up the plan to achieve this.
February
Good PR requires good research. Consider conducting a series of surveys or polls from which you can determine some meaningful information.
March
Test your findings. Do not be in a rush to publish them unless you have solid, robust and validated results.
April
Write up your findings in a range of formats designed for different distribution methods and targeted audiences. One size does not fit all!
May
Share your content with key audiences. Get out there and network with the influencers in your field of interest.
June
Collaboration is often difficult to achieve but can be extremely rewarding. Seek out partners who can help amplify your message. Build those partnerships before you need to use them!
July
Illustration is key to achieving engagement especially with Millennials and Gen Z. Build up your stock, ideally with original artwork.
August
Good Data management is vital to success. Whether it’s a short list of publishing editors or a magazine subscription list of thousands, get your data in order and make sure it’s GDPR compliant.
September
Content is your currency. There’s no short cuts here … you must be productive. But, you must be disciplined enough to edit before you publish. Aim to reduce wordcount by at least 50%.
October
Reading is the lifeblood of your content. Your depth of knowledge is gained by your investment in reading … though YouTube videos such as Ted Talks are also an excellent source.
November
Invest in your art by attending classes. None of us are too smart to learn and there’s so much you can learn from fellow authors and publishes.
December
Measure the results of your efforts against your stated objectives. Are you on track? Have you been as productive as you had planned to be?
To the non-writers reading this, you’ll probably be thinking that you can achieve all of the above in your lunch break. Good luck … I know I certainly couldn’t and I’ve been writing for ever!
I’ve just signed back in to my WordPress blog for the first time in 10 years! Where has the time gone? Where have I been?!!
So, here’s my first blog in 10 years … I hope you enjoy it and you’ll see the irony!
Background
Before I list my 12 New Year Resolutions I think it’s important to set context. I hate New Year Resolutions! I never, ever stick to them and they only help to remind me that I am over-weight, self-indulgent, short-tempered and every other hyphenated disappointment you can think of.
However….
This is probably only because I set the bar far too high. If I set monthly resolutions I can not only set the bar lower but also I can vary them. Bingo!
1. Procrastination
February is going to be the month when I jump out of bed early, get stuck into whatever I’m on with and hit the ground running. It was going to be January, but I left it too late!
2. Reading
March is the month for reading a minimum 100 pages per week. From Mills and Boon to Benioff’s latest blockbuster… I’m going to smash through them all!
3. Fitness
April will see me getting up with the morning sun and racing through 100,000 steps per week. That’s not including the tennis and cycling exercises.
4. Writing
May will be spent finishing off those blogs I’ve started, the books I keep promising to write and the screenplay I’ve held in my head for all these years. Don’t expect to see much of me in May!
5. Meditation
June is a month of silent contemplation. A little bit of ommmm goes a long way and it’s time I discover the beauty of inner peace.
6. Swim
July is for swimming at least 3 times per week. Be that in the sea, river, lake or my least favourite… local swimming baths. It’s got to be done.
7. Cycle
August is when the roads are least busy. 10 miles a day on average is my target. It’s modest, but much of this will be done off-road and local.
8. Vegetarian
I love meat! But one month off it will not kill me. September will require the most strength of all my challenges so far, but it will be worth it, I’m sure.
9. Sobriety
I managed 8 consecutive days of non-drinking in October ’19 plus another handful of days amongst the parties. This year, I’ll do all 31 but I’m not likely to be worth talking to!
10. Russian
November will see me revisit a language I tried to teach myself when I was a spotty 15 year old and bored during the summer holidays. I’m hoping to at least be able to ask for a pint of beer to go with the vodka!
11. Writing #2
It’s not that I’m running out of ideas, but I just know that I’ll need to make time again to finish off the writing I do for pleasure rather than business writing.
12. Diet
Lose a stone before Xmas … but, if I’ve achieved all the other resolutions throughout the year, I’ll already be fitter.
Back from hols and strangely excited about getting back to work! Really looking forward to working with Duane on my new personal website; creating AMRU (Applied Marketing Research Unit) and finishing the book …. Huddersfield, the place to make it!
Finally …. I’ve tracked down a guy who can help me make sense of all this social media stuff and still have a life! Duane Laverick is about to make a massive difference to my e-portfolio …. and I’m soooooooo excited!
Nadio Granata's Personal Blog 